What it is
Not feeling safe can look many ways. You might feel afraid of a partner's reactions, watched, controlled, cut off from people you love, pressured, or like you are always walking on eggshells. It can happen in any relationship: monogamous, polyamorous, queer, straight, married, dating or living together.
Abuse, intimidation and coercive control are not communication problems. They are not a case of two people who just need to learn to fight better, and they are never your fault. Naming what is happening can be a hard and brave step.
Individual support means working with someone just for you, not for the relationship. Licensed professionals, such as an LMFT, psychologist, LPC/LMHC or LCSW, can offer confidential space to talk, make sense of what you are experiencing and think through your options at your own pace.
How it’s traditionally been approached
Traditionally, people who feel unsafe have turned to several kinds of help. These include domestic violence advocates and hotlines, licensed individual therapists, trusted friends or family, medical providers and, when legal questions come up, attorneys.
Many approaches focus on safety first. That can mean talking through what feels safe, who you can lean on, and how to protect your privacy and wellbeing. Trauma-informed care, which recognizes how stress and fear can stay with a person, is a common approach among licensed clinicians.
Couples counseling and mediation are generally not used when one partner is unsafe. Joint sessions can put the person who is frightened at greater risk. That is why individual licensed support and specialized safety resources are usually the traditional starting point.
How the right relationship pro may help
The right licensed provider may help you sort through confusing feelings, notice patterns, and feel less alone. A first visit is generally a conversation. You can share as much or as little as you want, and a good provider will not rush you or pressure you toward any decision.
It can help to ask a few questions up front. Are you licensed, and in which state? Do you have experience with trauma, abuse or coercive control? How do you protect my confidentiality, and what are the limits of it? Can we do sessions in a way that keeps me safe, such as by phone or at a time my partner will not know about?
A provider may also help with the lingering effects, such as anxiety, triggers, trouble sleeping or low mood. They may help you think about safety, but they will not make your choices for you. Whether to stay, leave or set boundaries is yours to decide. Please verify any provider's license and credentials before you begin.
The whole-person view
Your body, mind and stress are connected. Living with fear can keep your body on high alert, and you might notice tension, exhaustion, a racing heart or trouble focusing. None of that means something is wrong with you. These are common ways people respond to feeling unsafe.
Support can be whole-person. Therapists.plus can connect you with talk therapy to help you process what you are going through, and Somatic Experiences lists body-based support for working with stress and triggers. Different approaches work for different people, and each can be valuable. A licensed professional can help you decide what fits.
Somatic Experiences: trauma and emotional healing →Somatic Experiences: nervous system regulation →Therapists.plus: trauma and ptsd →
Keep in mind
- If you are in danger, call 911. In a crisis or if you are thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline).
- The US National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233 (text START to 88788). Advocates can talk through safety planning, including if you are thinking about leaving, which can be a high-risk time.
- Think about your privacy. A partner may be able to see your phone, browser history or shared accounts, so consider using a device or location they cannot access.
- This site offers education only, not therapy, legal, financial or medical advice. Licensed professionals should guide your care, and a lawyer can advise on legal questions.
For your safety, sensitive situations are best guided by licensed professionals. If you’re in crisis, call or text 988 or call 911.
Relationship pros who often help
Get matched privatelyFrequently asked questions
What should I do if I don't feel safe in my relationship?
Start by trusting your feelings and reaching out to someone confidential. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788, or talk with a licensed individual therapist. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
Is couples counseling a good idea if I feel unsafe?
Couples counseling is generally not recommended when one partner is unsafe. Abuse and coercive control are not communication problems, and joint sessions can raise risk for the person who is afraid. Individual licensed support and safety resources are usually a better starting point.
Can a therapist help me if I'm not sure it's abuse?
Yes. A licensed therapist can help you talk through what you are experiencing without needing a label first. You do not have to be certain, and you do not need to have an exact word for it. A provider will not diagnose your partner, but they can help you understand your own feelings and options.
Will individual therapy be confidential?
Therapy is generally confidential, with some legal limits that vary by state and situation. Ask your provider up front how they protect your information and what the exceptions are. It is also worth asking how to schedule and communicate in ways that keep you safe.
How do I find a licensed professional who understands trauma and safety?
Look for a licensed clinician, such as an LMFT, psychologist, LPC/LMHC or LCSW, who says they work with trauma or abuse. Ask about their experience and verify their license with your state board. Directories like Providers.plus and Therapists.plus can help you start your search.
Does feeling unsafe only happen in certain kinds of relationships?
No. It can happen in any relationship, including queer, polyamorous, interracial, neurodiverse and blended-family partnerships, and at any age. Everyone deserves to feel safe, and support is available no matter who you love or how your relationship is structured.
Educational resource. Relationships.plus shares general information and connects people with independent relationship pros. It is not medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Talk with a licensed professional about your health. In a crisis in the US, call or text 988 or call 911.